It aint easy being brilliant...

I just wanna get this out there….I LOVE NICKI MINAJ!! She is a wildly talented rapper, and singer who uses both skills effectively to produce some of the catchiest hooks and memorable verses, not only in rap, but in all of music! She REALLY tore up the guest appearance scene in 2010, especially with her verse on Trey Songz’ “Bottoms Up,” and Kanye West’s Hip Hop Heavyweight anthem “Monster” where she out shined Kanye West, Jay-Z, and Rick Ross, three of the biggest names in the rap world. Along with fellow label mates Drake, and Lil’ Wayne, and Kanye West, Jay-Z, and Eminem, you have a hip hop heavyweight starting lineup WITH a sixth man that has brought hip hop back to the fore front of the music World. Oh, as if her charisma, personality, and unique skills set on the mic weren’t enough….BABY GIRL GOTTA ASS LIKE WHOA!! Watching SNL tonight not only got me thinking about how much I love Nicki, but in honor of my “STARTING LINEUP OF HIP HOP WITH A 6TH MAN” list as well as Nicki’s wonderful “ASSets,” I present to you my “STARTING 5 RUMPS WITH A 6TH WOMAN” list….

1) EVA MENDES

2) SHAKIRA

3) LAYLA EL

4) CARMEN ELECTRA

5) BEYONCE

6) NICKI MINAJ

To my female followers, I’m sorry you had to sit through this one! I promise to make it up to you…..RIGHT NOW!!! As requested by my wonderful sis n law, here is a topless RYAN REYNOLDS for the ladies!!

MARILYN PIC OF THE DAY

So, I just finished watching the movie, “Buried,” starring Ryan Reynolds. For those of you who very likely could’ve missed it, “Buried” is a low budget independent film released in 2010. Here’s the lowdown on it…Ryan Reynolds stars as Paul Conroy, a U.S. truck driver/contractor working in Iraq. After an attack by a terrorist group, he wakes to find he is buried alive inside a coffin. He has been buried with only a lighter, a cell phone, and a knife, and is in a race against time to escape the claustrophobic death trap he has been left to die in. The movie reportedly cost $3 million to make, which under normal standards for a film starring an A-lister, would be extremely low. But on this film, you wonder how it even cost THAT much. Reynolds is the only person you ever actually see in the film, and you only see him inside the coffin. Honestly, I would not recommend this flick to anyone that is extremely claustrophobic, because even if you aren’t in the least, this flick will make you feel that way! Even in this insanely confined space, Reynolds pulls off the performance of his career, and quite frankly, I feel he was screwed out of an Oscar nomination! What can I say about “People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive” for 2010 that hasn’t already been said? He’s young, handsome, charming, and a talented actor that with his performance in “Buried” has proven that he is equally as effective in a dramatic role, as he is in romantic comedies such as, “The Proposal,” and the flick that introduced us to him, “National Lampoon’s Van Wilder.” Ryan is the man, plain and simple. I am as straight a man as their is in existence, and I feel extremely emasculated every time this dude shows off his damn 8 pack abs! My fiancee has already claimed Mr. Reynolds as her “Get outta Marriage Free” card, and it’s easy to see why. Ryan Reynolds is the kinda guy that if your woman leaves you for him, you simply sigh and accept it, because be real fellas, we can’t compete with this guy! If my wonderful fiancee is gonna ditch my ass, I’d rather it be for “People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive” than some sumbitch that busts tables at Red Lobster! In conclusion, Ryan, you have an amazing acting career, charm, killer good looks, and abs that would embarrass the average UFC fighter, but I have ONE thing you don’t!! My AMAZING fiancee, Ashley! So PLEASE don’t force her to use her “Get Outta Marriage Free” card to ditch my broke ass for you!

Thanks,

“The Average Man”

MARILYN PIC OF THE DAY

For those of you that don’t already know, a class action law suit was recently filed against the world’s most awesomest fast food restaurant, Taco Bell, by Alabama law firm Beasley, Allen, Crow, Methvin, Portis & Miles (damn, what a name! I doubt that porn star Jenna Jameson ever had that much of a “mouthful!”), claiming that only 35% of the beef found in a Taco Bell taco is “real” beef. Apparently that is bad, because according to “standards,” a food source has to contain at least 40% beef to actually be considered, BEEF! For those of you wondering…no, the remaining 65% isn’t made up of the chihuahua that Taco Bell used to use in it’s advertising, it’s made up of; water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodrextrin, anti-dusting agent and modified corn starch. Apparently, the douche bags filing this law suit aren’t seeking actual compensation for this law suit, they simply want Taco Bell to stop referring to their meat as “beef.”I know…who gives a shit, right?? What’s this firm’s “BEEF” with Taco Bell? Did one of their founders get canned by a Taco Bell for stroking his “BEEF”in the men’s room while on the clock when he was 16, and thus has sought out to humiliate Taco Bell?? Here’s to my final point…I don’t give a damn what they put in their tacos! I’ve been eating them for 20 years, and I’m still kicking! They are the cheapest food chain around, they are open til 3 a.m. everywhere (except in suck-ass Richburg, SC where the bastards close at 11), and that is when the pot heads and drunks of the world are out and about and need delicious yet cheap food, because they’ve spent the rest of their dough on pot and booze! Yo, Alabama Law Firm, Taco Bell is the SHIZNIT! Get on board, and occupy your time by petitioning the state of Alabama to legally make “Sweet Home Alabama” the ACTUAL State Song of Alabama! To those of you life long fans, who are now driven back a little because the tacos only contain 35% beef; eat three of them bitches, and you have 105% beef, problem solved! BOO-YA GRANDMA! YO QUIERO TACO BELL!!

MARILYN PIC OF THE DAY

It’s Ocar time! And that means it is time for me to “bitch about/applaud” the oscar nominations. I’m gonna go over the major categories and tell you who I “think” will win, and also who I “want” to win. Here we go…

BEST PICTURE

“127 Hours”

“Black Swan”

“The Fighter”

“Inception”

“The Kids Are All Right”

“The King’s Speech”

“The Social Network”

“Toy Story 3”

“True Grit”

“Winter’s Bone”

Who WILL win: “The Social Network”

Who SHOULD win: “Inception”

There are FAR to many nominees in this category first of all. Why in the hell do we need 10 nominees in this category, when EVERYBODY knows that only one or two of these flicks has a snowball’s chance in Tuscon, Arizona of winning! Yet, that being said, they still managed to leave out what I believe to be a deserving nominee in “Shutter Island.” The obvious fact of the matter is, “The Social Network” is going to win, AND IT SHOULDN’T! Here’s why…”The Social Network” like so many “Best Picture” winners in the past is based on a true event. Most often, the winners are based on events that happened decades ago (“Titanic”), but in this instance, it will be a flick based on events that happened THIS decade. Be honest, how many of you didn’t already know the story of how Facebook came to be?? The story is nothing new, and that is why Christopher Nolan’s “Inception,” a completely original idea, the most original idea I’ve seen in years, a film over a decade in the making, should take the top honor.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE:

Colin Firth “The King’s Speech”

Javier Bardem “Biutiful”

Jeff Bridges “True Grit”

Jesse Eisenberg “The Social Network”

James Franco “127 Hours”

Who WILL win: Colin Firth

Who SHOULD win: Jesse Eisenberg

Notable snubs in this category are, Mark Wahlberg for “The Fighter,” and Leonardo Dicaprio not once, but TWICE, for “Inception,” and “Shutter Island.”And also Ryan Gosling for “Blue Valentine.”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:

Annette Bening “The Kids Are All Right”

Nicole Kidman “The Rabbit Hole”

Jennifer Lawrence “Winter’s Bone”

Natalie Portman “Black Swan”

Michelle Williams “Blue Valentine”

Who WILL win: Natalie Portman

Who SHOULD win: Natalie Portman

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A  SUPPORTING ROLE:

Christian Bale “The Fighter”

John Hawkes “Winter’s Bone”

Jeremy Renner “The Town”

Mark Ruffalo “The Kids Are All Right”

Geoffrey Rush “The King’s Speech”

Who WILL win: Christian Bale

Who SHOULD win: Christian Bale

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:

Amy Adams “The Fighter”

Helena Bonham Carter “The King’s Speech”

Melissa Leo “The Fighter”

Hailee Steinfeld “True Grit”

Jacki Weaver “Animal Kingdom”

Who WILL win: Amy Adams

Who SHOULD win: Amy Adams

Where is Mila Kunis for her performance in “Black Swan??” And while I’m on the topic of Mila Kunis, WHAT IN THE HELL DID SHE SEE IN MACAULAY CULKIN THAT MADE HER WANT TO BANG HIM FOR NEARLY A DECADE?? Anyway…

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING:

Darren Aronofsky “Black Swan”

Ethan Coen, Joel Coen “True Grit”

David Fincher “The Social Network”

Tom Hooper “The King’s Speech”

David O. Russell “The Fighter”

Who WILL win: David Fincher

Who SHOULD win: Darren Aronofsky

ACTUALLY WHO SHOULD WIN IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN, DIRECTOR OF “INCEPTION.” WHY HE IS NOT NOMINATED FOR THIS IS FLAT OUT REDICULOUS, AND IS COMPLETELY STUNNING TO ME!!

One final note, I read something online from somebody asking if it were really possible that Trent Reznor, lead singer of Nine Inch Nails, could win an Oscar for his Original Score for the movie, “The Social Network.” My answer to that is; if Three-Six Mafia can win an Academy Award for a song about “how hard it is out here for a pimp,” anything is possible! :)

MARILYN PIC OF THE DAY:

“I DO NOT LIKE THE “CONE OF SHAME.”

The world is filled with “Get rich quick schemes.” Whether it be buying lottery tickets, starting a local business, or investing in the stock market. Not that any “average Joe” is insane enough to actually invest any of the little money he has left in our miserable stock market, but you get the picture. I always find it hilarious to listen to two people stand around and talk about what they are gonna do with  their money WHEN they “win the lottery.” WHEN….as if it’s a pre-determined thing….as if it’s “in the bag.” Just the other day, a guy told me, “Chris, I’m gonna open me up a bar and grill, and buy me a big ass boat when I win the lottery. How about you?” To which I responded, “What will I do when I win the lottery? I’ll just wake up, cause I will obviously be dreaming!” Seriously, you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning twice in the same spot than you do of winning the lottery! You would have a better shot at getting rich by putting $20 a week away in savings up until your child is 18 and then sending them off to college in hopes that they are smart enough to drop out, and start their own online social network! Or by preparing him for his future professional football career the instant he exits the womb! What should you take away from all of my above mumbo jumbo? YOU WILL NEVER, EVER WIN THE LOTTERY!! That “get rich quick scheme” just isn’t gonna work! That one won’t, but the following ideas present promise…

THE FRESH PRINCE ADOPTION AGENCY

That’s right! You got the idea! I am going to attempt to get adopted by WILL SMITH! Seriously, what quicker way to get rich?? There ISN’T one!! If he can convince Hollwood that his 12 year old, 5 foot 1 inch tall son, who is not only named after Will’s WIFE Jada, but looks so much like HER it’s SCARY, can be an “ass-kicker” in a remake of “The Karate Kid,” he can do anything! As if that weren’t enough for one year, he managed to take his ten year old daughter, who is named after HIM, and looks so much like HIM, it’s SCARY, and put her on the radio with a song nobody could escape all year (“Whip My Hair” in case you have been living on the moon for the past year). My point in all of this is…everything Will Smith touches turns to GOLD!! Will, Jada, if you are reading this, PLEASE ADOPT ME! Yes, I know I am a 26 year old Southerner, but I think you can toss me into a remake of “Fresh Prince of Bell-Air” where I play a Southern teenager living in the boonies. I’m sure that peeps will be intrigued by my tales of 4-wheel riding, cow tipping, and beer drinking! Call me Will, I am presently acting as my own agent due to “lack of funds (a.k.a. “broke ass white boy),” but I think we can make this work! Let’s get this ball running!! Willow, Jaden, can I be your “big bro?”

MARILYN PIC OF THE DAY

I doubt I will ever forget the day that Heath Ledger died. It was the day after my 23rd birthday, January 22, 2008. It was a truly sad day. A day in which I, and millions of others, lost one of my favorite actors. I felt the way so many must have felt the day James Dean died. I say that, because Heath Ledger was in many ways, the James Dean for my generation. Young, handsome, charming, an incredibly talented actor, and yet there was something more. There was an insecurity and shyness within Ledger that you wouldn’t expect and seldom ever see in such a handsome and talented actor. Unlike so many other handsome and charming young actors, Heath wasn’t content to just play the handsome, cocky guy in film after film for an entire career, even though he easily could’ve made a long successful career out of that alone. Heath wanted to expand his craft. He wanted to put his talents to the test. He wanted to accomplish things on film that would be admired for years to come. Heath knew what so many actors take for granted. Actors die…but their films live on forever! And Heath Ledger aspired to give his roles something to live for. Heath was “ballsy.” Not afraid to take a role because he feared he wouldn’t be able to pull it of. Not afraid to take a role because everyone said he shouldn’t or thought he couldn’t “pull it off.” When asked “Why Heath Ledger?” for the role of The Joker in “The Dark Knight,” Director Christopher Nolan replied, “Because he’s fearless.” He wasn’t gonna make it on looks alone. He was gonna make it because he was the best damn actor for the part. He beat out Josh Hartnett and Ashton Kutcher for his breakthrough role as Patrick in “10 Things I Hate About You.” If you think about it, that makes all the sense in the world. Could you imagine Josh Hartnett having the balls to play a married cowboy who had a long term homosexual affair? Or the chops to pull it off as Heath did in a seemingly effortless fashion in “Brokeback Mountain?” Does anybody honestly believe that Ashton Kutcher would’ve ever risked his reputation as Hollywood’s leading hunk to play the seriously demented and villainous Joker in “The Dark Knight?” Let alone well enough to win an Oscar for best supporting actor! Heath was a once in a generation actor and personality. A shy, sensitive and talented rebel who marched to the beat of his own drum, that only shows up once in a generation. Before Heath Ledger, I was jealous of my grandfather because he had James Dean. But after Heath Ledger’s death, I’m no longer jealous, because Heath was OUR James Dean. And like Dean, his brilliant performances will live on forever… 

MY 5 FAVORITE HEATH LEDGER PERFORMANCES

1. The Joker, “The Dark Knight” (2008)- Quite simply the best portrayal of a villain in the HISTORY of cinema. After the legendary Jack Nicholson’s brilliant performance as the Joker, many doubted that Heath (or anyone else for that matter) could ever duplicate it. Heath proved them wrong! Heath’s Joker was terrifying, manipulative, and a criminal mastermind who couldn’t stop laughing and smiling as he bathed in the brilliance of his master plot to prove that ANYBODY, no matter how “good” on the outside, had darkness on the inside that was just dying to find it’s way to the surface. This was Ledger’s last completed role, and even though Ledger didn’t live to reap the benefits of his already iconic performance, his portrayal of The Joker will live on film forever. Heath wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

   

2. Patrick Verona, “10 Things I Hate About You” (1999)- The movie that first introduced me to the wonderful talents of Heath Ledger. Heath plays Patrick, the mysterious guy with the reputation of a bad-ass, earned only through the wonderful world of the high school rumor mill, who was payed by the high school pretty boy to date a relentlessly angry girl, so that her father will allow him to date her beautiful freshman sister. Patrick’s “bad-ass” image couldn’t help but take such an offer for something he believes will be so easy. But the REAL Patrick comes to the surface when he finds that this girl isn’t about to make it easy on him, and that leads him to fall for her. You will love Patrick, as well as this movie. One of my all-time favorites!

   

3. Ennis Del Mar, “Brokeback Mountain” (2005)- Few actors in the history of cinema would have had the guts to play a married cowboy having a homosexual affair with a fellow rancher. Ennis is the typical cowboy. Manly, and strong willed and one of the last you would ever expect to have a homosexual relationship. In the summer of 1963, he and a fellow rancer meet up in Wyoming to herd sheep. Both are married, but during the time they spend together, things change and they fall in love with each other. This relationship carries on for many, many years, thus complicating their marriages and changing each of their lives forever. Heath is brilliant in his role in a movie that teaches each of us to not be afraid of who we truly are.

   

4. William Thatcher, “A Knight’s Tale” (2001)-Heath plays William, a young squire with a gift for jousting. After his master dies, William hits the road with his friends in hopes of changing his fortunes. William meets a writer whom he convinces to forge documents that will pass him off as a knight so that he may compete in the country’s jousting competition. He meets and falls in love with a young girl who’s affection he ends up competing with an actual knight in order to recieve. A wonderful movie.

   

5. Gabriel Martin, “The Patriot” (2000)-Benjamin Martin,played by Mel Gibson, was a legendary, and fearless war hero whose exploits were the stuff of legend. Benjamin, however, grows up and has a handfull of children with his wife, who dies and leaves him alone to care for the children. As the revolutionary war finds it’s way to South Carolina, the locals and Generals are counting on Benjamin to live up to his legendary reputation and run off to war. Benjamin, however, declines, in order to stay home and tend to his children, for he iss all they have left. The same can not be said for Benjamin’s oldest son Gabriel, played by Ledger. Gabriel is every inch his father’s son. Stubborn, patriotic, and a born soldier. What happens to Gabriel later in the movie is one of the saddest moments I’ve ever witnessed on the big screen. However, watching Ledger die portraying a character in a movie, was nowhere near as painfull as watching him actually die in real life.

   

R.I.P. HEATH LEDGER (April 4, 1979-January 22, 2008)

I would like to begin with a random point….if you aren’t a police officer, why are you driving a Crown Vic??? DAMN! Every Time I pass one of these on the road I get scared shitless! I get scared shitless mostly because I’m speeding at the time, but that’s not the point…

THE ANSWER LIES…IN SEACREST!

Regis Philbin announced his retirement from the show, “Live!”(“Live! with Regis and Kelly” currently) after 28 years. Personally, I’ve never really cared much for Regis, whether it be on “Live!” or on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire,” but apparently somebody watches to keep him on the air for 28 years. His “loyal viewers” are most likely 60-80 years old and living in a nursing home, placed in front of a TV where they have to watch Regis cause the damn Nursing Home attendant “lost” the clicker (cause we all totally know that the old folks would rather watch “Murder She Wrote” or “Golden Girls” marathons while they send their grand kids checks for $7.00 for their birthdays). Anyway, since Philbin announced his retirement, speculation has run rampant as to whom his replacement may be…but I have the answer!! The answer is SOOOO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that I can’t believe that it hasn’t already occurred to someone. The answer is…RYAN SEACREST!!!! Seriously, how many F’n jobs does this dude have anyway?? I mean, this dude has popped up on shows on almost every network known to man, so one more J.O.B. couldn’t hurt, right?? I don’t know the answer to creating jobs in this lousy economy, but I know this….THE ANSWER LIES WITHIN RYAN SEACREST!!

DAMNIT DRE!

Seriously Dre, release the damn album already! Every year speculation takes over the covers of hip hop magazines as to whether or not this will finally be the year that Dre releases “Detox,” his LOOOOOONG awaited next solo album. Dr. Dre is awesome, but it’s been nearly 12 years since his last album, “2001” (which very oddly was released in 1999…WTF??). Dre has only released two albums (albeit hip hop CLASSICS) in 20 years, and the closest thing we’ve gotten to new Dre music is in those damn dumbass Dr. Pepper commercials where he cranks up beats to kick start a party by sitting a Dr. Pepper can on a record, to produce some Dre beats, and telling us to “Trust him” cause he’s “a doctor.” Ironically, an ACTUAL doctor could’ve gotten his doctorate nearly twice in the amount of time it’s been since Dre’s last solo album. Dre, we know you don’t wanna let us down with your music, but NOTHING is worth waiting 12 years for! Putting out a whack record isn’t the worst thing that could happen. The Black Eyed Peas just put out an AWFUL album and they are about to perform at the Super Bowl’s halftime show! Thousands of artist release one nearly every year of their career in music! At the rate CD sales are declining, by the time you get this one out, NO STORE WILL ACTUALLY CARRY CD’s ANYMORE!! In conclusion, just drop the damn album Dre!

SERIOUSLY, IS ANYBODY GONNA WATCH?

Is anybody gonna watch “American Idol” this year?? Not for the damn judges panel they wont! Randy Jackson, Steven Tyler, and Jennifer Lopez……SNOOZE!!! I mean seriously, if anybody is gonna watch, there is gonna have to be a MOSTER musical talent on the show this season! First off, if they think that Steven Tyler is gonna replace Simon they are clearly every bit as confused as Sarah Palin reading Shakespeare! Second of all, J.LO is just gonna be a combination of Paula and Kara (who was a beeyotch by the way). If nothing else, she’s far better to look at than each of the other two! Let’s be real…J.LO and Steven Tyler are only doing this to place themselves in front of the camera to remind Americans that they are indeed still alive long enough to jump start each of their long dead music careers! Whether you loved Simon or hated him, he made you tune in. You turned to Idol to hear what he had to say whether it was to agree with his blunt opinions, or to call him an asshole and insist that he didn’t know what he was talking about. HE WAS THE STAR! And without their star, “American Idol” will be a rock band that just had to replace their iconic lead singer with someone new, and we all know, that almost never works out! Without Simon, “Idol” wont be CREED, they will be ALTER BRIDGE!

I THINK I LOVE YOU…CHELSEA HANDLER

I really, really do! She is hilarious, a talented writer, by far the world’s most gorgeous stand up comedian, and the host of my favorite late night show, “Chelsea Lately.” My fiancee is convinced that if I were ever to leave her for another woman, it would be for Chelsea (it would be a toss up between her and Natalie Portman). Anyways, don’t feel to bad for her, her “Get out of marriage free” card is RYAN REYNOLDS!

MARILYN MONROE PIC OF THE DAY

I’m sitting here watching the Steelers-Ravens game right now, and I CANT HELP but notice just how quickly CBS attempts to jam a commercial in right after a change of possession! A Steelers player just made an interception ( I put “a Steelers player” because they went to commercial so damn fast that I couldn’t tell which player it was) and as soon as he came down with the ball, CBS had already gone to commercial! JEEPERS (how yall like my Scooby Doo slang?)!! To CBS (and every other friggin network for that matter), whats your hurry?? Nobody is watching the dumbass commercials that are being produced today anyway, especially not us football fans! We use the commercial breaks to refill our chips, grab another beer, and piss out the 6 we drank before it!!!

FACE TO FACE WITH THE FACEBOOK MOVIE

So, I finally watched the Facebook movie yesterday, and I’m not quite sure I understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice little flick, but this movie is winning “Best Picture” of the year at every awards presentation in existence, and I saw several movies WAY better than this one in 2010! “Inception,” “Black Swan,” and “The Fighter” come to mind right off the top of my head! I love facebook, I use it all the time, but this movie doesn’t really tell us anything that we havent read in the news in the last few years. Except that Jesse Eisenberg is a really talented young actor capable of playing roles that require more depth than his leading role in “Zombieland.” Should I post on my facebook that I just blogged about the facebook movie??

DON’T FORGET YOUR FRIES A.P.!

An assistant manager at a McDonalds in Minnesota was fired after she allowed Minnesota Vikings star running back Adrian Peterson (or “butter fingers” as I like to call him. This man coughs up the football so much that if he weren’t a threat to take it to the house every down, he’d be unemployed. He puts it on the ground more often than the center!) to use the restroom at 3 a.m. after the dining room of the restaraunt had already been closed. That OBVIOUSLY sucks for her. What’s funny about this story is that after this story made it to the press, the local Mickey D’s didn’t want any bad press, so they gave this chicky her job back.

HOLLYWOOD BABES BABY BOOMIN!

Natalie Portman, Marion Cotillard, Kate Hudson, Alicia Silverstone, and Selma Blair have ALL recently announced that they are pregnant. Two of these ladies (Natalie Portman and Marion Cotillard) have appeared in my frequent, “I THINK I LOVE YOU…” segment. These sexy chickies and their “baby daddies” are apparently attempting to “re-stimulate” the economy with new rich youngins! I would just like to say two things to this:

1. Good luck to you lovely ladies as you attempt to revive our economy one newborn rich chap at a time!
2. I am SOOOO jealous of the dudes responsible for knocking up Natalie Portman and Marion Cotillard! Lucky bastards….

UGH….TEENAGE FANS OF HOLLYWOOD BABES, BABY BOOMIN??

There is a public school by the name of Frayser High School in Memphis,Tennessee. At this particular High School, 90 female students are either pregnant or have had a baby this year! THIS YEAR PEOPLE! WOW!! There are 508 female students at this school, so that means that nearly 18 percent of their female students are either pregnant or have had a baby this school year! That is unbelievable to me! Do they not sell rubbers in Tennessee? Do they not have birth control available? Does the school not offer a sex education course and if so, did everybody sleep through it? To the fellas, DONT BE SILLY, WRAP YOUR DAMN WILLY!! I promise you they will still take child support out of your damn 7 dollar an hour McDonalds wages!! To the chickies, I KNOW YOU WANNA BE LIKE THESE LOVELY HOLLYWOOD LADIES THAT ARE PRESENTLY PREGGERS, BUT THESE CHICKS PAY THEIR OWN DAMN BILLS WITH PLENTY TO SPARE! I’M NOT TELLING YOU TO SAVE IT FOR MARRIAGE, CAUSE I DIDN’T AND THAT WOULD MAKE ME A HYPOCRITE, BUT DAMN LADIES! I PROMISE YOU THAT IF YOU TELL YOUR MAN THAT THE ONLY WAY HE IS GETTING ANY OF YOUR GOODIES IS TO PRE-WRAP HIS PACKAGE…I PROMISE YOU, HE WILL!!!!Also, you can get birth control pills at the damn health department! To parents in this community,take your girl to get birth control, and take your son to get rubbered up! In this economy, can you REALLY afford to pay for your children’s children and attempt to put them through college at the same time?? BE SMART!!

MARILYN PIC OF THE DAY

I’m sitting here watching the Steelers-Ravens game right now, and I CANT HELP but notice just how quickly CBS attepts to jam a commercial in right after a change of possesion! A Steelers player just made an interception ( I put “a Steelers player” because they went to commercial so damn fast that I couldn’t tell which player it was) and as soon as he came down with the ball, CBS had already gone to commercial! JEEPERS (how yall like my Scooby Doo slang?)!! To CBS (and every other friggin network for that matter), whats your hurry?? Nobody is watching the dumbass commercials that are being produced today, especially not us football fans! We use the commercial breaks to refill our chips, grab another beer, and piss out the 6 we drank before it!!!

FACE TO FACE WITH THE FACEBOOK MOVIE

So, I finally watched th Facebook movie yesterday, and I’m not quite sure I understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice little flick, but this movie is winning “Best Picture” of the year at every awards presentation in existence, and I saw several movies WAY better than this one in 2010! “Inception,” “Black Swan,” and “The Fighter” come to mind right off the top of my head! I love facebook, I use it all the time, but this movie doesn’t really tell us anything that we havent read in the news in the last few years. Excepth that Jesse Eisenberg is a really talented young actor capable of playing roles that require more depth than his leading role in “Zombieland.” Should I post on my facebook that I just blogged about the facebook movie??

DON’T FORGET YOUR FRIES A.P.!

An assistant manager at a McDonalds in Minnesota was fired after she allowed Minnesota Vikings star running back Adrian Peterson (or “butter fingers” as I like to call him. This man coughs up the football so much that if he weren’t a threat to take it to the house every down, he’d be unemployed. He puts it on the ground more often than the center!) to use the restroom at 3 a.m. after the dining room of the restaraunt had already been closed. That OBVIOUSLY sucks for her. What’s funny about this story is that after this story made it to the press, the local Mickey D’s didn’t want any bad press, so they gave this chicky her job back.

HOLLYWOOD BABES BABY BOOMIN!

Natalie Portman, Marion Cotillard, Kate Hudson, Alicia Silverstone, and Selma Blair have ALL recently announced that they are pregnant. Two of these ladies (Natalie Portman and Marion Cotillard) have appeared in my frequent, “I THINK I LOVE YOU…” segment. These sexy chickies and their “baby daddies” are apparently attempting to “re-stimulate” the economy with new rich youngins! I would just like to say two things to this:

1. Good luck to you lovely ladies as you attempt to revive our economy one newborn rich chap at a time!
2. I am SOOOO jealous of the dudes responsible for knocking up Natalie Portman and Marion Cotillard! Lucky bastards….

UGH….TEENAGE FANS OF HOLLYWOOD BABES, BABY BOOMIN??

There is a public school by the name of Frayser High School in Memphis,Tennessee. At this particular High School, 90 female students are either pregnant or have had a baby this year! THIS YEAR PEOPLE! WOW!! There are 508 female students at this school, so that means that nearly 18 percent of their female students are either pregnant or have had a baby this school year! That is unbelievable to me! Do they not sell rubbers in Tennessee? Do they not have birth control available? Does the school not offer a sex education course and if so, did everybody sleep through it? To the fellas, DONT BE SILLY, WRAP YOUR DAMN WILLY!! I promise you they will still take child support out of your damn 7 dollar an hour McDonalds wages!! To the chickies, I KNOW YOU WANNA BE LIKE THESE LOVELY HOLLYWOOD LADIES THAT ARE PRESENTLY PREGGERS, BUT THESE CHICKS PAY THEIR OWN DAMN BILLS WITH PLENTY TO SPARE! I’M NOT TELLING YOU TO SAVE IT FOR MARRIAGE, CAUSE I DIDN’T AND THAT WOULD MAKE ME A HYPOCRITE, BUT DAMN LADIES! I PROMISE YOU THAT IF YOU TELL YOUR MAN THAT THE ONLY WAY HE IS GETTING ANY OF YOUR GOODIES IS TO PRE-WRAP HIS PACKAGE…I PROMISE YOU, HE WILL!!!! Also, you can get birth control pills at the damn health department! To parents in this community, if you’re a parent in this community, take your girl to get birth control, and take your son to rubbered up! In this economy, can you REALLY afford to pay for your children’ children and attempt to put them through college at the same time?? BE SMART!!

MARILYN PIC OF THE DAY

Im now transforming into one of my alter egos, “MR. SPORTS ANALYST.” Thanks for the nickname Aaron!

DAMN…YALL GOTTA DO EM’ LIKE THAT??

Tuesday night my beloved two time defending champion Los Angeles Lakers opened up a gool ol’ fashioned can of whoop ass on the Cleveland Cavaliers, defeating them 112-57! That 55 point beatdown came despite only 13 points from Kobe Bryant. In fact, the Lakers leading scorer was Andrew Bynum with only 15 points!

WOULD YOU LIKE A DO-OVER MR. GILBERT??

To Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, you know, the one that called LeBron James “Benedict Arnold,” in other words a traitor for those of you who slept through all of your history classes, for bailing on his home town Cavs in order to chase rings with D-Wade, Bosh, and the boys in South Beach. He also accused LeBron of quitting on the team during last years semi-final round against the Boston Celtics. Bottom line, he threw the biggest star in the history of the franchise, a man who had brought interest in the team back to Cleveland for the first time in years, and had taken Cleveland to the only NBA Finals in the team’s history, under the bus. He then made THE dumbest prediction in THE HISTORY of sports when he guaranteed that his Cleveland Cavaliers would win an NBA championship before Lebron did in Miami. For those of you that don’t know, Cleveland is currently a league worst 8-30 while Lebron’s Heat are an Eastern Conference best 30-9. Lebron is now THE most hated athlete in the history of sports in the state where he was born in raised, but I will personally guarantee you 2 things…

1. Lebron James will win multiple championships in Miami before the Cleveland Cavaliers even make it back to the playoffs!
2. Cleveland will NEVER, EVER win a championship as long as Dan Gilbert is the team owner

My reasoning for reason number 2?? Simple. Dan Gilbert had no problem with publicly destroying the most popular and talented athlete in the history of Cleveland sports once he no longer played for his team. Showing absolutely no gratitude for what James had done for the city while he played there. What message do you think that sends to ANY potential free agent in the future?? Simply, the player will think, “He didn’t have Lebron’s back, so I know he won’t have mine!” And Cleveland desperately needed that because free agents would ONLY go to Cleveland for a chance to win. Unlike Los Angeles, Miami, or New York, NOBODY is going to Cleveland, Ohio for their awesome weather or awesome night life! That would be like moving in with Sarah Palin to avoid living with a stupid and annoying woman!

TWEETIN WIT BRON-BRON!

After the Lakers 55 point beatdown over his former team, Lebron tweeted, “Crazy. Karma is a b****. Gets you every time. It’s not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!” By karma of course, Bron is referring to how he has been treated by Cavalier fans and mostly by their owner Dan Gilbert since his departure from Cleveland, and how it is now coming back to bite them in the ass.

MAN UP BRON-BRON! DAMN!

After the famous tweet Lebron posted Tuesday night, Lebron said on Wednesday that the Tweet wasn’t even his idea! He said he heard it from someone else and then posted it on his page. He also did everything he could to take attention away from the Tweet. Here’s my problem with this…Bron, you are now hated and wildly booed by millions of people who used to adore you in the city of Cleveland, and were thrown under the buss and called every name in the book by your former owner for simply exercising your league given right to sign with any team you wish once your contract with another has expired. Now, things have come full circle, the Cavs are terrible and your current team is a title contender, NOBODY OUTSIDE THE STATE OF OHIO HAS ANY PROBLEM WITH YOU BEING A LITTLE BITTER, AND THROWING OUT AN OCCASIONAL,”WHOSE LAUGHING NOW?” It’s human nature, and in my opinion, after everything your once loyal admirers have put you through, you are entitled to be pissed. So please stop being politically correct and taking back statements! Do you think Charles Barkley or Dennis Rodman would???

MARILYN MONROE PIC OF THE DAY